Washi's Guide to the Wonderful World of Kunoichi
by griffin blackwood
Summary: Washi is much more than a simple shinobi! Though he is not a shameless pervert, he is quite knowledgable when it comes to the shinobi world. Enjoy the fruits of his labor! Crack Fic! New: Ch3- KA2 Meek Fangirl Hinata Abandoned/ Extended Hiatus
1. Kunoichi Overview

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I do own my original character Washi and anything else not mentioned in the Manga or Anime. Enjoy!

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

On his travels Washi had come across many people from several Hidden Villages. Coming across Missing Nin was not uncommon, for in the previous few years many had been exiled from their homes.

In Kiri and in Mizu in general the bloodline clans were being eliminated or exiled. Not to also mention the Seven Swordsmen and the Anti-Haruno movement.

In Kumo the recent Haruno regime takeover had displaced many of Kumo's most loyal allies due to their hatred of the Haruno clan. Kumo like Kiri and Konoha was under the plague of the Pink Banshees.

In Kusa, Suna, Iwa, Taki, and several other villages, old rivals were exiling members of founding clans in order to gain power for themselves while eliminating potential power threats. Others went on self-imposed exiles such as Sasori of the Red Sands. These recent numbers of political ploys and convenient series of events allowed groups such as Akatsuki, "the Kurosaki clan," and the Hidden Sound Village to form.

Despite what many thought, not all Missing Nin are cold, ruthless, and honor-less criminals. In fact many were driven out under less than legal situations. Some were forced to undertake the most airtight Village and National secret missions that almost always ended in calls for treason. Pride was the most common reason the most deadly, illegal, and unethical missions were almost always known solely to the client, the Kage, and the shinobi involved.

There are several types of shinobi out there in the wide world. And Washi was able to narrow them down into a few different categories/ stereotypes. Let's start with the most basic division: genders. We shall present the data collected by Washi on kunoichi first.

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

K-A: Fangirl

This type of Kunoichi is driven by "true love" into becoming a ninja in order to win over the man they love. While most fail and eventually quit, some are able to get over their fangirl-ism to become a ninja. And even fewer become successful chunnin. An extremely small number will make it beyond chunnin. Many give up their responsibilities to raise children, teach in the academy, work in the hospital, or perform administrative duties within a Hidden Village. They become successful in their chosen area, but never amount to much more than a mediocre gate guard. Most are able to get over their childish obsessions while reassurance from their sensei that they can achieve greatness and that becoming a ninja for a boy is the wrong reason. While not always stable, this type of Kunoichi is great to have if being chased by bandits, bounty hunters, or debt collectors. They can make criminals weep and run for their lives. Fangirls are unafraid of taking cheap shots and have little honor. They are the most useless of Kunoichi unless they are carefully directed by a sensei or experienced Kunoichi.

(See Rin of Team Yondaime)

K-A-1: Hopeless Fangirl

This type of Kunoichi is so blinded by her so-called "true love" that she will stop at nothing to eliminate any potential threat. Most men she goes after tend to like men themselves, so these women will rarely get their man except under the guise of being shopping buddies. Their abysmal chakra reserves and consequential amazing chakra control make them ideal for medical jutsu or genjutsu, but few will ever progress that far as they pathetic stamina wise. Most will die on or give up after their first mission.

(See Sakura Haruno, and Haruno clan in general for more information. NOTE: HARUNO MEN ARE WORSE THAN THEIR FEMALE COUNTERPARTS!)

K-A-2: Meek Fangirl

This type of Kunoichi often has confidence issues, which often extends to their bodies. They are often inspired by their crush to work harder and to never give up. Eventually they move on and befriend said former crush. The pair will usually becoming extremely close platonically unless the male finally stops being dense, and thus he will begin to chase after her. Said former fangirl will play hard to get and first but will eventually give in and result in a big and happy family.

(See Hinata Hyuuga)

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

K-B: Amazon (a.k.a. Tomboy)

This type of Kunoichi is more obsessed with body image than the Meek Fangirl. Constantly trying to prove themselves to their male counterparts as well as female colleagues, these women will push themselves beyond their limits. Sometimes they are able to win their man, but often they move on after realizing they can do much better. This type of Kunoichi is often an orphan, but not necessary. She is the most successful type of Kunoichi once she embraces her feminine side and uses it to her advantage as the majority of her male counterparts are super perverts. A true Amazon will use Icha Icha against men. She despises its existence, but will also use any advantage available to her. These are the most dangerous women to be involved with on and off of the battlefield. They are unafraid of not being lady-like and have colorful language.

(See Tayuya of the Sound Four)

K-B-1: Amazon Chainmaster (Bombshell Tomboy)

This type of Kunoichi is a ticking surprise. They begin extremely underdeveloped, but eventually their patience is rewarded with curves and assets any woman would kill for. (And men would spill blood for at the sight of). This type of woman is feisty and will stop at nothing to humble the object of her affection. It pains her to punish and injure her love, but she would not accept anything less than complete obedience (and submissiveness. She is a master of deception and manipulation. Her good intentions often result in personal bad habits.

(See Tsunade of the Senju Clan)

K-B-2: Amazon Archer (a.k.a Penis Envy Tomboy)

This type of Kunoichi is a ticking time bomb. She is often the only daughter in a largely male household/ clan. She is constantly trying to prove herself to her peers and father. It is not so much she wants to be male, as much as that she wants to prove she is strong and can take care of herself. Often neglected with the absence of parental love, this type of tomboy will strive for perfection. She will get her man at any cost within reason. She is not above bending rules to achieve that task.

They are fierce warriors often utilizing weapons on and off of the battlefield. While most strive to be equals, some want to be actual males. Their counterparts include the Eunuch (a.k.a. Breast Envy Men) who include Deidara of Iwa) and the Cross-dressing Fanboy (Haku).

(See Temari of the Desert)

K-B-2-I: Amazon Swordswoman

This type of Kunoichi specializes in one area and places her responsibilities as a Kunoichi before her social and love lives. She has pride in her appearance, maintaining the feminine while blending into the sea of masculinity necessary in the shinobi world. Cold, stoic, and very suspicious sum up this type of Kunoichi very well. Her pride can get the best of her especially

(See Yugao Uzuki)

K-B-2-II: Amazon Sniper

This type of Kunoichi takes her job seriously. She does not care about her appearance. She has control issues with men. Does not get along with Feminist Flirt. **NEVER ALLOW** HER TO BE IN THE VICINITY OF A **HOPELESS FANGIRL**!! An Amazon Sniper is very similar to an Amazon Swordswoman, and consequently an Amazon Archer. In the realm of weaponry an Archer focuses on one weapon of any variety while a Swordswoman relies on a sword (or sword-like weapon). A Sniper is more-well rounded in comparison as she specializes in all types of weapons. In personality an Archer in general is moody while a Sniper is much more bubbly, especially in comparison to a Swordswoman.

**NOTE: DO NOT GET ON THEIR BAD SIDE UNLESS YOU WANT LOTS OF BRUISES, BROKEN BONES, AND POINTY THINGS STUCK EVERYWHERE ON YOUR PERSON—PARTICULARLY YOU LITTLE GUY! SHE IS THE MOST DANGEROUS OF THE AMAZONS AS SHE IDOLIZES THE CHAIN MASTER IN PARTICULAR!**

(See Tenten)

K-B-3: Amazon Blowpiper

This type of Kunoichi is highly suggestive. She uses unorthodox methods to get the desired results. She is not afraid to get herself dirty in order to succeed in life. She is by no means loose by any standard. This type of Kunoichi is actually quite pious despite her demeanor and attire. She is very fragile and broken. She is often hurt by paternal figures and wants to be rescued by her prince charming, but is forced to get the ball rolling herself. She hates perverts while being quite perverted herself.

(See Anko Mitarashi).

K-B-4: Amazon Fighter

This type of Kunoichi is not afraid of hard work. She is quite adept in stealth and is a threat. This type of woman is often mistaken for a lesbian. Truth be told most of the time she is asexual for most extents and purposes as her sole purpose in life is to complete missions and make her name legendary. While cold she is very capable of being a very sensual partner.

(See Yugito Nii).

K-B-4-I: Amazon Paladin

This type of Kunoichi is barely different from the previous type, but is much more head strong and stubborn. An Amazon Paladin has an iron will and will not back down once she has made up her mind, not even to her superiors. If she does marry/ get into a serious relationship, her partner will become whipped whether he likes it or not. While she is domineering outside, she is a whole other story in the bedroom

(See Kushina Uzumaki)

K-B-5: Amazon Spellcaster

This type of Kunoichi returns to isolation when the times get difficult. She will have a family, but remains distant. She specializes within the realm of healing which also encompasses poison. She will be unrivaled and stubborn. She is set in her ways and refuses to change. Unlike other Amazons she places more trust in the men around her, but not by much. She is talented in the shinobi world, but not as much in the domestic and romantic realms of life.

(See Chiyo)

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

K-C: Flirt

This type of Kunoichi uses her femininity to the fullest. Her body is her greatest weapon and she does her best to maintain it. She does not diet, but exercises regularly while not becoming too muscular. She does not become a ninja for a man per se, but is constantly trying to show she is an equal and not someone who needs to have a handicap in battle for a "level playing field." Their womanly charm is dangerous particularly to perverts. Her graceful movements and gentle voice overwhelm the senses of her male target: enemy and (potential) love interest.

(See Ino Yamanaka)

K-C-1: Insane Flirt

This type of Kunoichi is extremely jealous and possessive. She is rough around the edges during adolescence, but fully embraces her Kami given assets as an adult. While not as attractive in most cases as the Bombshell Tomboy she is quite curvaceous and possesses a plentiful bosom. She pretends to not to care about the man who likes her, but she does. She often comes of as being insane, but is truly broken and insecure. She is often hurt by a difficult childhood and clings on to the first male that saves her.

(See Konan of Ame Rain).

K-C-2: Wallflower Flirt

This type of Kunoichi is well intentioned, but not the most experienced in social situations. She hates perverts with a passion, though is commonly a fan of Yaoi. In most situations she plays hard to get as an ego boost. In other circumstances she covers for her straight acting male friends. It is a mutual beneficial relationship. He does not have people questioning his sexuality and she is not harped on for not being married. She is most likely bookish and conservative in appearance in public, but she is quite different around those she is comfortable and well accustomed.

(See Shizune, apprentice of Tsunade)

K-C-3: Feminist Flirt

This type of shinobi is often hypocritical. Like the Wallflower Flirt she too likes Yaoi. While she finds Icha Icha degrading to women, she has no problem with Yaoi or softcore literature directed toward women. She is not a pervert by any stretch of the imagination, but she does let her mind wonder. She tends to get along with most types of Kunoichi, particularly the Insane Flirt.

(See Kurenai Yuhi)

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

Author's Note:

I thought everyone could use a little laugh. It is a series of chapters I will use to coincide with my Naruto Story. I hope no women were offended while reading this it was all meant as a lighthearted joke. I am no chauvinistic macho pig by any stretch of the imagination. You will get your chance to laugh your brains out when I do the shinobi chapter.

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE AMAZONS EITHER!! THEY ARE FROM YU-GI-OH ALBEIT I USED THEIR JAPANESE NAMES BUT STILL I DO NOT OWN THEM!**

Hope y'all appreciated the good laugh. Please Review!

Griffin


	2. Entry: KA: Fangirl: Rin

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I do own my original character Washi and anything else not mentioned in the Manga or Anime. Enjoy!

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

K-A: Fangirl

This type of Kunoichi is driven by "true love" into becoming a ninja in order to win over the man they love. While most fail and eventually quit, some are able to get over their fangirl-ism to become a ninja. And even fewer become successful chunnin. An extremely small number will make it beyond chunnin. Many give up their responsibilities to raise children, teach in the academy, work in the hospital, or perform administrative duties within a Hidden Village. They become successful in their chosen area, but never amount to much more than a mediocre gate guard. Most are able to get over their childish obsessions while reassurance from their sensei that they can achieve greatness and that becoming a ninja for a boy is the wrong reason. While not always stable, this type of Kunoichi is great to have if being chased by bandits, bounty hunters, or debt collectors. They can make criminals weep and run for their lives. Fangirls are unafraid of taking cheap shots and have little honor. They are the most useless of Kunoichi unless they are carefully directed by a sensei or experienced Kunoichi.

(See Rin of Team Yondaime)

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

Compared to her contemporaries, Rin was an ordinary girl with a decent knack for healing. She was neither beautiful nor ugly; neither fat nor thin; neither smart nor dumb. She was essentially mediocre at everything and nondescript. Her dark hair made her blend into a sea of sameness that she was only able to avoid through the purple facial markings on her face. Rin's origins were always shrouded with a veil of mystery.

Her facial markings had always led the village to believe she was an exiled Inuzuka. Others believed her to be simply horrible at makeup. And still others believed she was just a street punk, an orphan simply trying to draw attention to her with tacky facial markings. Being an orphan did not stop Rin from excelling as a kunoichi. In fact the reverse occurred, due to her status an orphan she worked harder than even her male counterparts, even more so than "the prodigy, Kakashi Hatake."

Unfortunately despite all her positive traits, she exhibited the one feared most above all others by men and women alike: her fangirl-ism. If there were ever a crazy fangirl that scared the balls off a man, it would be Rin Inuzuka… oh wait that title belongs to Sakura Haruno and the rest of the Haruno clan in general… those fanboys are even creepier!

As you have just read by this point, I have referred to Rin as Rin Inuzuka. Her origins are mysterious, but after she attained the status of chunnin the Inuzuka officially adopted her for her fierce loyalty, dedication, and "fine taste in animals and fashion" (i.e. her love of dogs, dressing and acting like an Inuzuka—including her atrocious eating habits and braggy nature, and her alarming hatred of the Haruno clan/ family.

Rin's role as a fangirl began the moment she first saw Kakashi in the Hidden Leaf Village. His tragic life story was the icing on the cake. Her status as an orphan would be redeemed by a marriage. He would be her prince charming and help her raise the social ladder and become one step closer to becoming the next Tsunade-hime for the village. She hated to admit it, but she knew that in Konoha, you are a nobody without a clan heritage. No matter how skilled one is you are worthless without the ability to trace your family tree several generations within one of the villages (or Fire Country's) prominent shinobi clans.

And added to the fact she was one of the few to see Kakashi without his mask added to her fangirl-ism. Though that would die quickly as his abuse of the Sharingan eye would rival that of any of the Uchiha's. she quickly saw the true side of Kakashi, the side that would cause her fangirl-ism to vanish in mere seconds….

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

Hope y'all enjoyed it. I know its short but its not meant to be a majorly serious story. It's just to relieve stress as I have finals coming up and such hope y'all enjoyed it. My views of characters will be included in the upcoming chapters FYI, especially concerning Itachi, Kakashi, Sasuke, and Sakura.

I apologize for any incorrect grammar. I am not checking it that well as it's just a crack fic lol! I'll fix any mistakes y'all point out later, I am just not motivated at this point to really do anything. It was enough of a struggle to even produce this!

Cheers!

-griffin


	3. Entry: KA1: Hopeless Fangirl: Sakura

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I do own my original character Washi and anything else not mentioned in the Manga or Anime. Enjoy!

WARNING!: EXTREME SAKURA BASHING! **Mentions of Yaoi and sex also. **My interpretations on sexuality are included. You have been FOREWARNED!

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

K-A-1: Hopeless Fangirl

This type of Kunoichi is so blinded by her so-called "true love" that she will stop at nothing to eliminate any potential threat. Most men she goes after tend to like men themselves, so these women will rarely get their man except under the guise of being shopping buddies. Their abysmal chakra reserves and consequential amazing chakra control make them ideal for medical jutsu or genjutsu, but few will ever progress that far as they pathetic stamina wise. Most will die on or give up after their first mission.

(See Sakura Haruno, and Haruno clan in general for more information. NOTE: HARUNO MEN ARE WORSE THAN THEIR FEMALE COUNTERPARTS!)

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

Compared to the other kunoichi of her generation, Sakura Haruno was only known for her hideous big forehead, her frighteningly pink hair, and infamous temper. Later she would only become known for her role as apprentice to the Godaime Hokage and Legendary Sucker, Tsunade-hime of the Senju Clan.

Sakura's claim to fame only existed to her incredibly pathetic chakra reserves, reserves that would not improve much over the course of her life. Her small reserves allowed this kunoichi from a highly civilian clan to become a medic nin of epic proportions. Truth be told, her initial idea for an apprentice had been shot down by the majority of the council (both civilian and shinobi, a trend Tsunade would eliminate as why should civilians have a say in shinobi matters?)—Hinata Hyuuga. Hinata's Byakugan, equally precise chakra control, and higher reserves would had made her the ideal medic nin, but the Haruno clan had got to the council first. The only clans to support the Godaime's decisions were the Ino-Shika-Cho trio (the Yamanaka only because they hated the Haruno more than anyone else if the village—even the "Kyuubi brat," the Aburame, and the Hyuuga. The Sarutobi, Yuhi, and the Maito had each lost their seats in the previous few years to their declining numbers—far fewer than required to be a "clan." Anko Mitarashi and Ibiki Morino had their seats removed for they refused to be married into the Haruno, Uchiha, or Inuzuka clans. But then again no one like "the Snake Bitch" anyways. But alas I have digressed and at the same time I have not. The vilest danger to the world is not the infamously perverse Orochimaru or the deadly Akatsuki. No in fact, the greatest danger to the entire world—civilian and shinobi alike is the Haruno clan—the pink haired banshees. These banshees whether male or female are known for their psychotic second personality (or "inner mind"). Their pathetic chakra reserves are only outdone by their infamous reputation as the world's scariest fanboys and fangirls.

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

"_Sakura was always the perfect little whore," a source that wished to remain anonymous cited in an interview. "She was always throwing herself at the Uchiha brat and sometimes some of the other girls hoping her precious Sasuke-kun would be turned on by acts of lesbianism like most warm blooded men, unfortunately or fortunately for said Uchiha he was more interested in the male persuasion. He would have much preferred to see a strapping naked Naruto Uzumaki playing tonsil hockey with the 'exotic' Shino Aburame. Yes I did say Naruto and Shino. It was so obvious his emo-ness was a cover for his sexuality. His rivalry with Naruto was unjustified and not a proper rivalry, but then again the rivalry between their sensei Kakashi Hatake and the infamous green beast was not a proper rivalry anyways. "Uke-chan" would always glance at Naruto's ass just like the Hyuuga heiress would spend her days listlessly observing Naruto's man bits. I can't name my sources for some of this information however or you wouldn't have any more information for the rest of your series!"_

As exhibited in my interview with that anonymous source, Sakura Haruno was one of the most unstable and delirious of the Rookie 9/ Konoha 12. Her success was all by chance and her 'fanboy' Naruto Uzumaki. He was never stupid enough to actually like the pink haired banshee… he fell for her 'popularity' and everything it entailed. Naruto used it as a cover, for no matter how dangerous the Haruno were, it was a lesser evil than putting his loved one in potential danger. She used him during his teen years as a replacement to 'Uke-chan'—as the majority of the remaining members of the Rookie 9/ Konoha 12 referred to Sasuke, well that and Sasugay. Anyways Sakura was prepared to go off with her 'true love' to Orochimaru but once again Sasuke showed his true sexuality. With the legions of fangirls after him, there was nothing he wouldn't give (besides killing his brother) to spend some alone time in bed with his blonde idiot teammate.

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

"_If he were truly interested in killing his brother and reviving the Uchiha clan he would have taken advantage of the situation and begun to court several women. Of course they would have been criteria in order for them to be able to be able to stall against any potential Itachi or Orochimaru attacks, but still there were so many women after him with bloodlines, clan abilities, and secret jutsu he could have used against his brother. But he chose none of that. Instead he continued to steal his 'dobe' of a teammate's dirty underwear—you get the idea… I think that the most normal person on that team was Naruto after all. At first I thought he was an annoying idiot, but after all these years: Sasuke was a creepy closet case, Sakura a rabid fangirl, and Kakashi was a pedophilic sensei after Sasuke or potentially Naruto since the blonde resembles his former sensei so much. I don't know why. I think this interview is over now Washi-kun, I need to get those disturbing images out of my mind."_

So Sakura Haruno, whore of the Rookie 9/ Konoha 12 was always known as being insane and everything a kunoichi shouldn't be. While Naruto's blonde hair and orange jumpsuit would be a hindrance to anyone it wouldn't be as memorable as her atrocious pink hair. After all there are more blondes in the world than pinkettes. If the Yondaime and Godaime Hokage, Temari of Suna, and Deidara of Iwa could get away with being blonde, Konoha's number one most unpredictable ninja would have no problem either. Now can you recall any remarkable pink haired ninjas? I don't think so! So beware of the pedophile known as Kakashi if you're a teen and prepubescent boy, avoid Sasuke like the plague and death it self if you are a blonde blue eyed teen boy, and at all costs run away like no tomorrow (or commit suicide) if you resemble Sasuke Uchiha and are being chased by a crowd of pink haired banshees (i.e. Haruno clan members).

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

Now I will leave you some advice about the Haruno clan:

"They're like cockroaches, you can't kill them. Each time you try to, they multiply like crazy; hence why they have infiltrated so many Hidden Villages and destroyed them from the inside out. Kiri, Kumo, and Konoha are only of a few of their current victims. Many seem like harmless civilians but you would be highly mistaken to turn your back on one. They are the ultimate gossips and no amount of 'Flames of Youth' could save you—though if you were able to strap them into Gai's infamous green spandex jumpsuits of death… I mean youth, that fashion atrocity may cause them to end their lives. One less Haruno means you have saved on average the lives of ten blonde shinobi and kunoichi, forty-three brunette kunoichi, seventeen brown haired men, twenty six ebony haired women and nine men, and five red heads.

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

If the Haruno you eliminate is female: you have unfortunately saved the male bits of men with "silver" and white hued hair. And you have saved the womanly goodness of several blonde and redheaded women. In this case you have cause to sales of Icha Icha to stagnate as men do not need to turn to Icha Icha to erase the horrible image of a Haruno female that has been etched into their minds. In fact you may increase the sales of my legendary popular Yaoi series Ice and Honey, which is currently endorsed by the Godaime Hokage, Anko Mitarashi, and the worlds biggest anti-pervert crusader Kurenai Yuhi as well as several male legends

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

And believe me this is not product placement. Ice and Honey is a carefully crafted romance novel that includes sensual imagery and language as well as a handful of scenes including soft-core sex as a chance to satisfy the romantic side of women (and men) in their under satisfying relationships. Ice and Honey is available where books, sake, or senbon needles are sold. But first read a few of these testimonies:

"_Ice and Honey__ is like a godsend. Its fusion of Yaoi and straight smut in a gently crafted balanced has enhanced my sex life. Reading it has got me into the mood and has led to my (male) partner to become a sex slave to me. I have him groveling for sex now and worshipping the ground I walk on. He has become a perfect gentleman and is the romantic I have always dreamed of. Thank you for your wonderful series. Please release another book soon. _

_-Kurenai Yuhi, Konoha Kunoichi and Head of the Anti-Pervert League-Konoha Chapter._

"_Ice and Honey__ is nothing like that smut Jiraya writes. There are several editions ranging from full on heterosexual relationships to bisexual to homosexual. No matter what you are they are mind-blowing. They are the perfect book series to spice up a stagnating love life. Even my man can appreciate the occasional man-on-man action._

_-(name not disclosed), Suna Kunoichi _

"_As a man, even I can appreciate the masterpiece that is __Ice and Honey__. While Yaoi may not be my thing, it definitely turns on my girlfriend on when she sees me reading it. It is like a god send. My sex life has never been better. She loves how I have become secure enough "to show my feminine side and to explore my sexuality through the most holy of all books." Whatever floats her boat I guess. All I know is I can handle a little man-on-man if it means I get laid every night and every morning without fail. Not to mention no nagging and amazing lunch breaks._

_-(name not disclosed), Konoha Shinobi._

"_As a gay man I love the series, even the hetero scenes. It is the perfect spice to my partner and I's relationship. We occasionally add a woman in to the mix much to our mutual pleasure. I have never seen so many happy women. It was bad enough they stalked us to be shopping buddies, but now our prowess in the bed has led a legion of fangirls to attempt to get in between our 'man-sandwich.' Thank you so much. I have never been so grateful for a book. Our relationship and sex life have never been better. Anko Mitarashi is so kinky you would never think she was a woman. Acting out pages 18 through 94 of Book Three with her and Kotetsu was a mind blowing experience to be remembered for eternity. Thanks again you are a God, and we are solely mere mortals basking in your prowess as an author and the greatness of your Holy Tome, __Ice and Honey__."_

_-Izumo Kamizuki, Konoha Shinobi and Co-Head of the Konoha Yaoi Appreciation Society  
_

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

If the Haruno you eliminate happens to be male: you have fortunately saved any women from mutilation, though possibility of female rape still remains though significantly lower than the rape of a man by a Haruno. Male rape by a male Haruno still holds a significant possibility. If you fail to eliminate a male Haruno, a case of male rape by a Haruno will have caused the sales of Icha Icha to skyrocket tenfold due to the men's desire to remove the images of their rape by male Haruno members with the legendary smut of the Gallant Jiraya. Anyone who allows to Haruno clan or Icha Icha to perpetuate anymore so than necessary shall endure the wrath of Ice and Honey's author. Said author will halt sales and production and will reveal to the loyal fan base of this literary masterpiece the identities of shinobi and/ or kunoichi responsible for rape/ pregnancy caused by a Haruno and the increased sales of Jiraya's infamous smut, Icha Icha.

I hope you have enjoyed this overview of the deadly Haruno clan and the Wicked Witch of the West- Sakura Haruno. Go out and buy Ice and Honey and kill a Haruno. Anyone who doesn't isn't patriotic and is a loyal minion to the Haruno and Orochimaru!

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

Author's Note

This was a wicked fun chapter to write. Hope you enjoyed it. Please Review!

-Griffin!


	4. Entry: KA2: Meek Fangirl: Hinata

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I do own my original character Washi and anything else not mentioned in the Manga or Anime. Enjoy!

WARNING!: EXTREME SAKURA BASHING! **Mentions of Yaoi and sex also. **My interpretations on sexuality are included. You have been FOREWARNED!

I don't know which way is the proper spelling so I am going with Hyuuga. Trying to be as close to canon as possible (though I heavily dislike Naru-Hina and Neji-Ten)

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

K-A-2: Meek Fangirl

This type of Kunoichi often has confidence issues, which often extends to their bodies. They are often inspired by their crush to work harder and to never give up. Eventually they move on and befriend said former crush. The pair will usually becoming extremely close platonically unless the male finally stops being dense, and thus he will begin to chase after her. Said former fangirl will play hard to get and first but will eventually give in and result in a big and happy family.

(See Hinata Hyuuga)

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

Compared to the other kunoichi of her graduating year, Hinata had the greatest potential, only narrowing out that of Ino Yamanaka. While Hinata's destiny lay in healing, taijutsu, and a lesser degree genjutsu, Ino was destined for interrogation. Hinata had the brains and brawn to do what she liked, but her heart was to gentle for any of that. She was afraid to hurt her sister and relegate her sister to the Branch Family of the Hyuuga Clan. She was further along in development both physically and mentally from the beginning, but was too meek to let anyone know, hence she hid in her baggy white coat (the reader can thank the Sandaime Hokage for this information, though I for one do not want to know how developed Hinata was during her Academy days and the early days of her career as a kunoichi).

Hinata Hyuuga's gentle demeanor was the initial sign to the Branch members of her clan that she would be the one to change it all. Hinata was known for being respectful toward those of the "lower branch" of the Hyuuga Clan. She did not take advantage of them, nor did she degrade them (i.e. activate a seal). While she was respected by the Branch Family, the Main Branch of the Clan did not see the same girl. They saw a weak daughter that would bring about the demise of the clan. They (the council and occasionally Hiashi Hyuuga himself though rarely) that a male had been born in her place or that the birth order of Hiashi and Hizashi had been reversed.

Hinata's growth as a kunoichi can be attributed to one person, and one person alone.

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

"_Hinata was always a weird girl. She stuttered and did not like Sasuke-kun like all the other girls, but that was fine with me as it was one less girl in the way. I have no clue why she chased after Naruto-baka but I am glad someone was. Though it was a shame he was too dense to catch on. She may not have been a great kunoichi like myself or even Inu-buta (pig- right?) but she had promise as she was part of the Rookie 9! She is known for her healing ointments and crèmes but she is nowhere as talented as me when it comes to chakra control or ACTUAL healing."_

_ (From an interview with an extremely deluded Sakura Haruno, eternal rival for the attention and affection of Naruto Uzumaki)_

"_Hinata is a great person. It's a shame she was born after Neji-kun, but she has great promise. If only she put more effort into Medic Nin studying instead of Naruto she would have been Tsunade's apprentice. It's a shame he doesn't realize she loves him, but at the same time it only makes her work harder for his recognition and affection. She will not give up until we have double wedding. I can see it now…_

_Unfortunately that pink haired wench got there first. Hinata's ointments and balms are heavenly. Even Neji thinks so though he would hate to admit it. Even Tsunade-sama's apprentice Shizune has praised Hinata for the quality of the medical products. It's a shame she had to be born the Hyuuga clan at the same time. Any other clan would be proud to have a talented Apothecary/ Medic Nin but nope not the Hyuuga. I do believe that between herself, Neji-kun, and that blonde ray of sunshine in her life, Naruto Uzumaki, will fix that clan once and for all. I hope so or Neji and me will never get married. Naruto promised to help and his nindo is never to go back on his word so I need to get back to my wedding preparations."_

_ (From an interview with a very hormonal Tenten, best friend of Hinata)_

"_Hinata loves Naruto."_

_ (All I managed to get out of Shino Aburame, teammate of Hinata from her genin squad led by Kurenai Yuhi)_

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

Hinata's Byakugan may not be as developed or extensive as her cousin Neji's, but her's allows her to possess a unique view. While she may not be able to observe her surroundings with the same precision and grace of her cousin, her movements in general are much more fluid and devastating. Her Protection of the Eight Trigrams Sixty-Four Palms (a combination of the Eight Trigrams Palms Heavenly Spin and the Eight Trigrams Sixty-Four Palms) allows her to deflect attacks with her chakra blades. She is a true force to be reckoned with. If only her precious blonde idiot could see her for the beauty and great kunoichi she truly is.

--x-- Washi's Guide to the Shinobi World --x--

Author's Note

Uber bored today so here is another entry. Not great but it will pass. I am not a big fan of Neji-Ten and Naru-Hina but I used them for now. I hope you enjoyed it. Please Review. I need constructive criticism and feedback to make this a much better crack fic people! I have no beta so I apologize for any bad grammar!

-Griffin


	5. Notice! Read!

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. If I did Naruto wouldn't be such an idiot (when will people realize Naruto isn't skilled because he has no one to train him), Sasuke would be publically outed and/ or publically molested by Orochimaru, Sakura would be branded as the whore that she is, Lee and Gai would be cool instead of creepy, and Kakashi would lose all of his precious smut until he realized he should look underneath the underneath. So much hypocrisy in the world Naruto, its up to me to rectify it!

This is meant to be a CRACK fic so lighten up!

Things to look forward to:

Tenten (and why she loves pointy things)

Kurenai (why she hates perverts so much)

Tsunade (why she has such a strong love-hate relationships with her 'husband')

Author's Note

Some how I managed to fck up my MacBook and lost all the contents of my documents folder. Don't ask me how. I had a few Chapters already planned and ready to go, but hadn't posted due to finals. This is a temporary chapter until I can get more done. I am just so made I cannot remember much. I


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